when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
