yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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