Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
