I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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