apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
