i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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