I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
