My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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