Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
