Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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