stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
