You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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