y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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