i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
