i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im holly from the hills drunk
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
