Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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