dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
