i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
