So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
there was a trapeze. enough said
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
