Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
