I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
