it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Congratulations! We have a period
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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