I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need to sanitize my soul.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
