Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
