Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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