and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
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She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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