$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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