you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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