He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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