can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't deserve a penis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
