there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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