she woke up with a sticky ear
barbara walters just said penis...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You pole danced in your parka.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
