Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
