just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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