Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
