I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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