um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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