Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
