i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
