So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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