I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
