i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
