My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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