sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
