i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
