apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
