I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
