Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
