You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
