Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
