Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
