I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
