I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
