i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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