i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
