Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
