Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
